Tuesday, December 28, 2010



Facebook tells me that I'm celebrating an anniversary with M coming Monday. Yes, you ought to say "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" at this point and offer congratulations and what not.

Let's have a moment of silence.

Now for the speech:

1 year is a long time for someone who's held 4 jobs in 2 years. I think my mum was especially worried when I got married (before this, she was especially worried that I wasn't married) because of my beautiful temper (my nickname at home was RDX amongst other things), and my maladjustment with normal society (my dad used to say I was a Maoist- ironic that it should come from a communist, what?). But I don't seem to have done too badly. Heck, I think I'm a kickass wife, it doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees.

So here's some wisdom I wish to share with everyone on this stupendous achievement:

1. Yes, it's wonderful that you are married and have found The One and all that. But it's not so wonderful that you have to spend all your time wrapped up in each other. Don't cut off your friends or stop spending alone-time with them. It is possible to have conversations with them that don't involve your spouse.

2. Marriage is a big event in your life, all right, but it isn't your life. Taking time off from stuff to adjust and adapt and all that is fine. But get back to your life at the end of it. Don't change your priorities overnight and so easily.

3. Don't act dependent. It may seem cute initially that you need him/her for every little thing but in the long run, it will become a pain in the ass. You were running things just fine for 20 odd years before you met your spouse, so why become a helpless kitten suddenly?

4. You aren't a Pomeranian. So don't perform for rewards. If you do something nice or sweet, do it because you want to and not because you want a pat on the head. You will end up feeling unappreciated and ignored and what not if you perform.

5. Don't forget that you and your spouse are individuals first. Don't be so self-involved as to believe that you are the whole world for the other person. Nobody is that interesting. Don't get jealous and possessive if s/he wants to spend time by himself/herself or with people other than you.

6. Live in the present and drop your baggage. It doesn't matter who did what in 1937. Don't obsess about the past and limit who your spouse can be friends with and who s/he can talk to. Controlling other people is exhausting.

7. Fight with civility. No name-calling or in-laws bashing. If there are issues, deal with the issues upfront instead of finding out who can be cheaper. If you do lose your temper and end up saying things you didn't mean, apologize. It's also fine to demand an apology if you feel you deserve one.

8. Keep your personal space and make decisions for yourself. Discussing things and consulting each other is good, but don't allow anyone to tell you what to do when you don't agree with it yourself.

9. Be irresponsible and get to know each other well (even if you've dated for a million years, living together is a different ball game) before you pile on children, house loan, car loan etc. Nobody gets married thinking it's going to end in a divorce, but sadly, it can happen. And if it does, you shouldn't feel trapped by these factors. It's also unfair to bring children into a mess.

10. Learn from the marriages around you. What do you like and what don't you like? What can you avoid from the examples you've seen?

11. Keep the humour. Life is absurd and so are most of the things we do. Recognize that and don't take everything too seriously. Avoid interpreting and reading between the lines and analyzing the unsaid. It's a waste of time and energy and you wouldn't really care if something more interesting were happening.

12. Stay friends with each other. We often find it easy to forgive the mistakes our friends make or the hurtful things they say, but we are very touchy when it comes to family doing the same thing. We're also more encouraging and positive when a friend wants to get blue hair than we are when a family member wants to buy an iPod. Friendship is what will last when both of you are Diabetic, Arthritic, and ugly in the final years of your life. Work on it from the beginning.

Happy anniversary, M.



Anonymous said...

Really good one.

certifiedrambler said...


Meg V said...

Ok...here goes - are you ready? "AWWWWW" :)

Sachita said...

Wow, such awesome wisdom( seriously, no sarcasm here). Looks like you were really ready for the marriage and I always thought it was too young an age to get married.

"Awww" only:)

Gymnast said...

Can i forward this to all the people i know??

Awesome...totally agree with everything.

Uncle Srini said...

Hearty congrats, GB and M! :)

And now... awwwww... indeed, for the post deserves it. And though I am singal and all that, a lot of things jive in with what I feel myself. And yes, there are some which are lessons too I shall remember when I decide to get married. :D

@ 3: true! :D

@ 5: again might seem a bit harsh but true indeed. Really liked the unadorned way in which you have put it! :)

@ 6: thanks for the slap (not that you meant for it to be one). I don't judge generally but if at all I teeter on a knife-edge, hope to remember this :)

@ 7: applause. I think it applies to the larger relational space called the world and time called life as well :)

@ 9: (scuse me, I am sure that's a typo: is it IRresponsible that you really meant? :D)

@ 10: I am not experienced but imho learning from others is like theory, GB. I mean it sounds fine, but then I guess most people learn it the hard way - viz., from their own follies. Then again, if people can learn from other marriages, nothing like that :)

@ 11 thumbs-up on that! Thank god for humour! :D

@12 couldn't agree more :)

And there's the GB-est line of the post which as usual came early on and almost made me spill the imaginary coffee in the imaginary cup on my real computer table :D

"1 year is a long time for someone who's held 4 jobs in 2 years."

Bharathi said...

it would be interesting to know the 10 or 11 points from HIM as well :)

CMCK said...

kangarulessons GB & M!!!
GB: you are a kickass wife for sure!

The Visitor said...

What else to expect from GB Paatti. :)

Quoting what somebody said:

@ GB - going by what you write on your blog - I don't think you'd have any problems (in your married life) - you have your head screwed on right. Probably (no certainly) there are things that I need to learn from you.

If this were a confessional I'd own up to #4 (me the performing flea)
#5 (guilty of jealousy / possessiveness)
Hey - otherwise I (rather we) seem to measure up to GB standards.


As somebody else affirmed - you ought to be a kickass wife. But it takes two to make a couple - so I'm sure that M too is a kickass husband.

Congratulations to both of you (because it's a tough job under trying conditions) on a job well done.

Happy anniversary to M and you. :)

PS: For once Vichu let us 'elders' take the honours.

vishesh said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..... :P

frissko said...

This could've come from someone with 53 wrinkles and 500 grey hairs :)...(And to think you're a 20 something...). Loved the post, and 12 in particular...Happy anniversary GB...Here's to many more cups of Maggi noodles together (but of course from your respective cups)...

Raj said...

Today, your blog has just come close to achieving what music can do to me in tough times. I usually don't crowd the comment space, but I think today might me just worth it

I don't know you well and I have been following your blog for just 3 months now. But from what you write, I'm certain that you & M will heart each other like no other and lead a happy married life. Advanced wishes !

Your summary denotes years of experience, even though technically it is just a year old. This to me is what a ideal partner should be like. Would you know someone who reflects the same thoughts ? I would love to hear about them, considering that I am single :P

- A GB fan :)

Anonymous said...

awesome! congrats to both of you!

great to know the life inside the big black hole ain't so bad after all..


GB said...

@Anon- Thank you!

@Certified- Awwwwwfully grateful!

@Meg V- Hehe. Thank you moley!

@Sachita- I don't think age increases your understanding of the world automatically unless you go looking for it. I know plenty of 40-year-old idiots and 20 plus sensible folks :) As for marriage, I always had clear ideas about what I wanted from it if I did it someday...just that I wasn't sure at all that I'd find someone who agreed with it (they were too 'Maoist' in my dad's words).

@Gymnast- Why not? The more traffic I get, the more happy I am :D

@Ungil- Thanks for the awww :D As for the rest, no. 5 I think is very important because a lot of women tend to cut off their girlfriends because they want to spend all their time on the husband. Then they resent the fact that the husband wants to do stuff with his friends. No.6, yup, keep a museum if you want to...but ensure that everything's dead and behind glass walls.

No.9- I do mean irresponsibly :D Marriage itself is hard enough with all the additional stuff you have to figure out. No point in complicating it with additional responsibilities.

@10- I decided on what I wanted from marriage and how I'd be in a marriage from all the marriages I've seen around me :D So it has been helpful for me, I think.

@Bharathi- M is a man of few words in subjects like these :D

@CMCK- Arrey, thanks ya!

@The Visitor- M liked your comment the best for having pointed out his kickassness too :D And yes, though it's PDA and tacky, he's a kickass husband.

@Vishesh- :D

@Frissko- Hehe. Thank you!

@Raj- :D A GB Matrimony Service sounds like a good idea, no? But on a serious note, I know quite a few women who have similar ideas but don't want matrimony because they don't think they'll get what they want.

@Anonfan- Thanks :D

Anonymous said...

"Wedding is a ball, marriage is hardwork", but then all good relationships are hardwork, everyday hardwork.
No friendship endures automatically.We tend to nurture friendships with friends lest they die, the same energy or time we don't spend on our family, hence the absence of friendships within the families.
24/7 love is not to be expected in any intelligent relationships.Priorities change with time whether one is married or not.
yes, it is better to avoid " I want you to like me, pat me" stickers on one's forehead, they would look better on our mirrors.
Forced feminity is a waste of energy, karakarakt.
Well, jeolousy, possessiveness, not controling the spouse etc need daily maintance work, practice sure helps.
civility is a good thing with a dash of honesty.
One has no right to bring a child into a mess, agreed.A child can be seen as a responsibility or as a bonus in a relationship.The meaninbg of life is whatever you ascribe it to be.

Blogeswari said...

Happy Happy Anniversary !

Ramya said...

Happy Anniversary! Here's to many more years to come.

Ashwathy said...

HAHAH I SO totally agree!!! ;D

nisha said...

That's an awful lot of advice-giving, blogging Brownie.Is advice-testing on?

The Soul of Alec Smart said...

I really really loved this.. enough to delurk :) Nobody talks about this stuff, and this is exactly how it should be. Marriage is a lot of work, not a lifelong subscription to Disneyland. I struggle with many things from this list, and many outside of this too.. and I work hard on it, we both do.

shail said...

Just one word for the post 'Awwwwwww' :)

Preeti Shenoy said...

Absolutely LOVED this post.

Phoenixritu said...

Came here from Preeti's blog. Wonderful post. Am thinking of laminating this one and gifting it to newly married couples. Awesome gyan this is

Bikramjit said...

dont know wat to say aother then awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :)

you given a new meaning to the word awwwwwwwwwwwww :)


Asisee said...

I am a first timer to ur blog, a friend suggested this, i loved reading your post, and agree to all the point fully but (5)
I am single on the wrong side of twenty, but dont want to get married for the wrong reasons, so waiting to come across a friend.
And yes age has nothing to do with wisdom, people even after 30 years of marriage fail to appreciate each other...i am trying to learn from other's mistake so that i wont do those when i get married.
No relationship is perfect it needs to be nurtured and worked up on.

Happy anniversay :)

Swati said...

Awesome ..like everyone said. Every married and unmarried person should read this :)

Happy Anniversary !

zradar said...

Followed from Preethi Shenoy.. I loved ur post.You have brilliantly quoted every word of it..All of this is truw when you are together..When my husband had to moved to Dubai leaving me and our baby for a few months, I knew I missed him, but still loved that life a lot.. I think a break was required for me to understand how independent i was still and how i actually missed him.. And thats how this post evolved.. do lemme know what u think - http://zradar.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/the-best-thing-about-marriage-2/

Indian Home Maker said...

Congratulations :) This post in one of the winners of 'Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards - 2011' (TRBA 2011). We would like to create an ebook with all the winning entries in 47 categories on Feminism and Gender Issues in India (and one category on Animals Rights). Please do let us know if you are fine with your winning post/s being included in this ebook. ( Please click here to let us know).

hasneet.chowdhary said...

Simply outstanding.. I totally agree with what is written and sometimes i get a feeling whether will i be ever ready to get into marriage? It scares the hell of out me...

Chiniiz n Sugarz Mom.. Swati said...

Wow! No ne else puld hv summed it all so well!